We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
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My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder