If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
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Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing