Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
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[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband