until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
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3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?