Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
You Might Also Like
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.