*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
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Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
sir, my pâté if you please
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌