My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
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People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Going to church you guys need anything
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?