Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
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[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I wish this was real life…