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when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.