Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
You Might Also Like
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”