Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
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“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.