Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
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If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.