when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
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*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.