Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
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I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Never be a pizza!
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
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