Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
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[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.