Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
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Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
who wants to go expliring
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
huge valentines day plans this year!!
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Potatoes were such a good idea