My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
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Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Breaking news:
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy