If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
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Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.