If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
You Might Also Like
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
*power walks to the refrigerator*
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time