You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
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If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.