Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
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I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter