Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
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[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
My support group can outdrink your support group.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
You had me at “define legal”.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?