Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
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Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”