ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I finally found a reason to live again.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time