I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
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never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening