Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
You Might Also Like
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.