Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
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My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious