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Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t