The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
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Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
The human personality is made of five key elements
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.