Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.![]()
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If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
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Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
podcasts
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–