@urgeekisshowing
@Adam_Kingsnorth Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
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@Adam_Kingsnorth 
@nayele18maybe The people at this winery are acting like theyโve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
@LackOfShame The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
@MohitSharmaSays I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
@RickAaron Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
@Dawn_M_ If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
@JPHaddadio When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
@batkaren ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
@flashember WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
@ariscott Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”