Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week ๐Ÿ™‚

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Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic


The people at this winery are acting like theyโ€™ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.


The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.


I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!


Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.


If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.


When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.


ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.


WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster



Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”