@urgeekisshowing

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week πŸ™‚

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@oxygenplug

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

@clichedout

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

@girlontapas

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

@schmuuur

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

@Carbosly

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

@3sunzzz

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

@hdaniels_00

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver