@urgeekisshowing

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week ๐Ÿ™‚

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@Adam_Kingsnorth

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

@nayele18maybe

The people at this winery are acting like theyโ€™ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

@LackOfShame

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

@MohitSharmaSays

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

@RickAaron

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

@Dawn_M_

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

@JPHaddadio

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

@batkaren

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

@flashember

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

@ariscott

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”