Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@oxygenplug

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

@clichedout

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

@_SetTheHook_

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

@girlontapas

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

@schmuuur

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

@Carbosly

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

@breadzeppellin

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

@CulturedRuffian

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

@3sunzzz

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

@hdaniels_00

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver