[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
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her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
5: Can you cut off the skin?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver