Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
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Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron