If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
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[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.