Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
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Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
The human personality is made of five key elements
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.