Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
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ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.