*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
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Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company