“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
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My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
A flock of dads is called a grill.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.