Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

Lmao

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

how to exercise your calf muscles

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow