*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
You Might Also Like
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Bloody internet 😳