If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
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I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
No chill.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken