My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
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‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store