@BradBroaddus

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

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@ericsshadow

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

@4ScoreN20Dabs

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

@_radsy

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

@ArfMeasures

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

@EliTerry

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

@AlexKaan47

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

@shanethevein

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.