Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
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Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee