My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
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“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.