I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
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You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.