It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
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When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I did not eat the cake…
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels