@robyn_vo

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

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@o__0Dev

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

@QwertyJones3

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

@lovemydogduck

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

@TomSchally

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

@MarieColette

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

@P1ssed_K1d

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

@WhatevaConc

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

@Mardigroan

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.