People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
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One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat