[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
You Might Also Like
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster