Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
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Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit