I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
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I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
paddle faster i hear baby shark
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids