My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
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Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Does beer think about me too?
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.