My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
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I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”