Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
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Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
bugs when you lift up a rock
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
HOW DARE YOU
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.