PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
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subtitles are so good nowadays
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.