In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
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Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
(2022)