@TylerLinkin

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

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@jus4golf

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

@AaronFullerton

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

@ceejoyner

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

@BrainFumbles

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

@juneohara65

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

@donni

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

@JoroPotential

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

@POTerritory

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,