In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

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I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever


If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.


Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.


I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.


“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”


Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.


Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.


Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,