Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
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I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.